What next...

I've been back home for a week now. Its been fantastic to see friends and family, but if I am honest life feels empty without the hospital. For the last six months my whole life has been so focused on one aim, making their lives better and I feel lost now I don't have that anymore. I've planned on having a few weeks off to settle in but now i think that the sooner I find a job the sooner I'll feel settled. I've seen a job working in a childrens home for teenagers which I am really excited about but my lack of exeperience working with kids might stand against me. The job would definatly be a challenge and give me the opportunity to make a difference to peoples lives which are the things I really relished in Romania.

A song to say goodbye

I am at the airport in Budapest. I spent last night in a hotel which i have promised myself never to tell anyone the price of because it was so naughty!!! I desearved it though, the last six months have been many things but definatly not luxurious. I woke up ths morning and although i am so excitied to be seeing my friends and my beautiful mummy later on today all i really wanted to do was get on the next plane back to Romania. Leaving was so hard, a couple of patients have been crying all this week and when I havent been crying with them I have been fighting hard to keep the tears out of my eyes. I am so so glad i came here, I am not sure how but i know that this experience and the people I have met and come to love so much have marked me so i will never be the same.

Dreams

I am starting to have anxiety dreams about leaving. Last night I was trying to sneak Tillie out of the hospital, but in the end I had to leave her behind and as I was in the queue to get out I could see her stood there in her head scarf shaking her hands. I guess its normal to feel a little worried about any big change in life, but of all the hard things I have done while I have been here I don't think I ever expected leaving to the hardest.
I still can't answer the question that keeps going round in my head. How can I love them and leave them here. But one thing is certain, I know I will leave and I know they will stay and some how the inconsistancies will right themselves. My life will go and and so will theirs, I'm just not sure how...

A spoon full of suger...

Don't take Romanian medication! It makes you ill, it makes you shake and feel weak so you can't get out of bed for two days. The thing to remember about Romanian medication is that its Romanian, stay safe, stick to Nightnurse. Don't take Romanian medication!

Kids

Outside of some of the really harsh things I have seen while I have been at work, one of the most difficult aspects of leaving in Romanian is how to handle Gypsies, especially when they are begging persistantly and even more so when they are small children in grubby clothes. Its something I have really struggled with, sometimes its easier not to give because if you do they will ask for more and more and it seems never ending, but other times I hate the fact that my heart is getting hard so much I know I can't not give something when I have so much. Another reason for not giving is that it hads a knock on effect on other volunteers if one of us gives they expect the same from everyone and other volunteers who may not feel comfortable with giving get hassel for your actions.
Today I had the privalage of going with a Dutch friend of mine to a church program she helps to run in one of the Gypsie villages. It was amasing to see how well behaved these children who are often treated like dogs and cast out of society behavied and how they responded to positive attenshion. It actually brough tears to my eyes to see there smiling faces especailly when I though of the times I had said no.
These are kids and the danger is of coming to view them as Gypsie kids and treating them differently or like they are less valuable. They are just kids, small and grubby and very precious.